In the middle

It is starting to feel real.

Is that normal? I am a senior in high school, trying to figure out what feels like the rest of my life. I'm starting to have a plan. I can't believe it. A real plan?

I had my first home club interviews on October 26th. I was terrified, as well as sick, but the interview went well. So well in fact that I was told to seriously consider which country I want to spend next year in!

Next step: district interviews, Dec. 5th. I think it's just because I'm so busy, so extremely busy, that I haven't really thought about what that means. So I'll spell it out. It means that if, when, I pass those interviews I will be set to embark on an amazing journey. I'll be a Rotary Exchange Student. That's what I've always wanted to be. I think.

Why is it that when I look at cultures-shocked and see all the other hopefuls, I don't feel as excited as them. Is it because I have wanted this for so long? I have been planning since I was a freshman, and maybe I went through the honeymoon stage a long time ago. I mean, when I look at the countries I get to choose from I do feel that flutter of excitement, but I always thought I would be shaking, not just fluttering. Or when my parents bring it up, and I get kind of snappy about it. I want to share this decision with the rest of the world, but I'm nervous.

That is the truth - I'm nervous. I'm not even sure nervous is the right word. I'm absolutely terrified. What was I thinking?

But I know I deep down I want to do this. I know I need to do this. While talking to the girls last night about their college plans, I secretly was thinking about how I feel so special. I have an unique plan. And I think that's cool. Or the time last week, when I was so stressed about school work and I realized that next year I will be stressed about different things. It won't matter what my grade is in physics or calc. I'll be thinking about verb tenses and vocab. I can deal with that!

So that's where I am right now. In the middle - terrified, emotional, proud, and so ready.

A little less than one month to district interviews. I better pick a country.